When the Parenting Expert Learns a Lesson from the Toddlers - Adrienne Eason

Bath time. Some nights a delightful, fun, playful, silly experience. Lately, however, it is a test of willpower and boundaries that exhausts me to no end. My youngest wants to control the faucet, but she does not understand that the water can get too hot and burn her. So, I tell her “No touch” or “not safe” or “only mom or dad touches turns on the water.”

I find that I’m often thinking to myself, “Why don’t my kids listen?” During last night’s bath time I felt so frustrated I could burst. I asked politely, gently, sternly, forcibly, and repeated to no avail. Nothing worked. I was tired, I didn’t feel good, and my patience was already thinning. “What am I doing wrong?!”

The answer is simple. Nothing. I am not doing anything wrong. I just need a reframe. To examine the situation from a different angle. I’ll explain…

Children do not see consequences, they see opportunities. Read that again slowly. Children do not see consequences, they see opportunities. What does that mean?

Well, it’s exactly as it sounds. Observe your children. What do they do? They climb the giant rock without considering how to get down. They jump off the bed without worrying how they will land. They eat dirt without thinking of the bacteria or bugs inside…. ew. They act with means to explore and fulfill their curious little brains. Not only that, but the idea of consequence doesn’t make sense unless it happens. Not safe? What is safe? Too hot? What’s hot? Be careful?

What on earth does that word mean?

The other day, I observed my oldest climbing up the ladder to go on the really big slide they had never gone down before. I was shocked! When she got there though, she said Nope!, and turned around. I even attempted to encourage her, cheer her on. Nada. She knew exactly what she did and did not want to do.

Do not mistake this example for the concept of consequence. Consequence and fear are two different things. See consequence is literal. It is understanding the action or actions that will occur in the sequence of cause and effect. Fear is an emotion acting as a deterrent that, for children, often does not have an attachment. Kind of like a gut feeling. A sense of, hmm I don’t feel good about that.

I wish I could revert to this mode of thinking. Imagine as adults that we go back to being pure opportunists. That we trust our gut to know if something is inherently good or bad, safe or not safe. The beauty of this thinking is that it comes with zero preconceived notions. It’s pure.

It’s beautiful. It’s inspirational.

I want to remember this when my kids test my boundaries. When they continue to not listen over and over again. That their flicker neurons are sparks of joy and amazement and adventure just trying to understand how life works and their place in it. Perhaps when I reframe it into this I’ll not only have more patience, but also I’ll see things