Why is Authenticity Essential for Happiness? - Gabriella Lanza

On its face, the answer to this question seems relatively obvious - if you don’t know who you are, how can you know what makes you happy? And if you don’t know what sparks true happiness in YOU, how can you ever achieve it? Yet, the complexity lies in our nature of being ourselves, inherently complex. Let’s dissect. 

First, we’ll talk about positive states of being and how varied they can truly be, so we need to unweave the blanket term of “happiness.” We’ll define it for the purposes of this post as the state that exists when the majority share of all emotions felt are positive, a cumulative term to embody peace, contentment, purpose, excitement, feeling loved/valued/included/respected, safety, ambition, freedom, etc. When we realize how many ways ‘happiness’ can manifest, we also realize that we don’t want to experience the SAME type of positive emotion every second of our lives. (ex. You love roller coasters, they make you feel free and excited, but I bet you wouldn’t want to be on one for an entire weekend). Additionally, when we examine how many types of situations we encounter and CONNECT them to these positive emotions, we can begin to discern which experience begets which feeling, which is as unique to each human as fingerprints. Yes, there are some commonalities between all of us. A candy bar and a cute cat video will make most of us feel mildly happy, but just as the whorls and loops of fingerprints can appear similar, when you take a closer look, the interplay and arrangement of our emotional experiences yields a pattern that is unique to each one of us. (ex. While roller coasters may make YOU feel free and excited, your roommate may prefer to experience that same positive emotion from playing Dungeons and Dragons.) This is where the art of authenticity, or the ever-evolving study of true self-knowledge, comes in: when we can identify A) what positive emotions we would like to feel, when and for how long, then B) what activities or situations evoke these feelings, we can begin to stack the deck of life with more authentically “happy” memories. 

We can’t keep everything butterflies and rainbows, because that’s not real life. So let’s dig into the negative side. Just as a specific medicine treats different illnesses, (you wouldn’t take pepto for a headache, right?), different coping skills or emotional remedies must be applied to each negative emotion you experience. (Disclaimer: coping skills are not meant to erase or replace negative emotions - that’s suppression. An emotional remedy is utilized after you’ve processed whatever negativity you’re experiencing, have reached acceptance, and are ready to feel better.) Much like the positive emotion portion, the examination of the negative also comes in two parts. The first being identifying the negative emotion and matching a coping skill, again, unique to you. (ex some people need a pint of ice cream after a breakup, and some need a kickboxing class, and still more might need both.) Second, is when the coping skill itself needs to be examined, which looks like asking questions like “Is this a bandaid that is fun in the moment, and is it doing more harm than the temporary good of self-soothing?” (ex. A night out on the town with friends is a great way to heal when feeling insecure, rejected, or lonely. But it’s probably not going to do you any favors on a Wednesday night before a big meeting at work early Thursday morning. Solution? Find something else that serves the same need in the moment and plan to go out Saturday.) 

  So, we’ve done micro-analysis of how to generate more feelings of happiness based in your authentic likes and dislikes, but what about the macros of life - career, partner, geography? The good thing is that we’ve already laid the groundwork. You can assess these big things along the same axes we did with the small things. How do you want to feel at work? Purposeful, respected, ambitious, capable? Or maybe none of these things matter and you just want to rake in the dough. So the trick here is asking yourself does this job or this person or this place evoke the feelings that YOU WANT to feel from this type of relationship or situation. And if not? Is it because this time you’re spending here is in service of some bigger goal? (ex. I can’t stand my job, but I need a paycheck while I finish school for my passion, or living with my parents really sucks but I’m saving to buy a home in a city I love.) Finally, if a temporarily poor situation is in service of a greater life pursuit, you can authentically ask two questions: 1) realistically, how long can I deal with this? And 2) is there any other aspect of my life where I can increase activities or situations that evoke positive emotions to make up the difference? 

What we’ve just done is basically a crash- course in authenticity and alignment. Barring any chemical or genetic mental health issue, I have found that all my clients experiencing depressive or anxious states are first and foremost experiencing some type of misalignment with their true self. Maybe they are pursuing friendships or goals that they feel ‘society’ or their family values, but deep down, they hold other things in higher esteem. Maybe they feel stuck in situations caused by decisions they made that felt authentic at the time, but no longer do. Spoiler alert - we’re constantly evolving. And this misalignment can be either known or unknown to the client. So if you’re feeling, for lack of a better word, “yucky” enough to be on this site, reading this blog, and considering coaching, start with assessing the micros and macros of your life along the axes of authenticity and see if they’re aligned. I’m willing to bet the closer your choices, pursuits, and coping skills are to evoking positive emotions from your authentic likes, dislikes, wants, and needs, the “happier” you are.